Having Afternoon Tea in the Pink Room
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Alcove
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11 Presidents Have Stayed Here
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View from my hotel room
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Second Honeymoon
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Today is my 12th anniversary! After the awful hat trick last year of a move, a husband's long commute and a baby with colic, Jesus out did himself this year. My husband got a free 2 night vacation to Bedford Springs, PA from his work. God bless the Mom of 11, who took in my FIVE children for the weekend. (This Mom ended up with 4 kids under the age of 3).
This resort is 205 years old. Such an historic gem. It was originally a series of health springs for Native American warriors. Oh my goodness, did I feel like a spiritual warrior who needed healing too! It was totally wonderful. It was my first vacation in 10 years with my husband. I really appreciated having time alone with him. At some moments were really hard for me. It was hard for me to leave the kids. (I'm still nursing one). Yet it was even harder for me to sit quietly for almost 72 hours. I'm so busy being a Mom, I realized there was comfort in constant activity. It felt a little unnerving to be still. At 3 PM on Saturday, I almost begged to go home early.
This morning, I did a hike an early morning hike up a moutain with my husband. We renewed our vows at the "Wedding Grotto." Then we chatted with a couple who was there for their 45 wedding anniversary this same weekend. It's was a beautiful trip. I'm so rested it really feels great to be home. I'm really committed to knitting more "stillness" into my regular life. We called it "bringing Bedford Springs home!"
West Virginia Girls
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Our dryer broke. Rather than buy a new one, I've experimented with using an old fashioned clothesline. Jon and I joke it's our new "Solar Power Dryer!" One surprise is how much easier it is to do the wash with young babies in my house. Our one year old plays at her water table while I hang up the laundry. The 2 year old and 6 year old love to help me. I enjoy being outside in a sunshine instead of working in a dark basement. So far the experiment is 3 weeks along and going well.
On the Bookshelf--Rebecca Frech
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If you homeschool, then June 1, 2013 could be a huge day for you. That is the day Rebecca Frech's new homeschool book, "Teaching in Your Tiara: A Homeschooling Book for the Rest of Us" goes on sale at Amazon.com. I think it's going to cost around $9.49 for paperback, $5.99 for the kindle edition. It's an affordable impulse buy even for me, a poor Carmelite. Get impulsive about healing your inner teacher heart. Buy it!
This book is for the nervous future homeschooler. Buy it if your oldest kid is still only blowing bubbles of sound and not actual sentences yet. This book is for the novice homeschooler. Buy it if public school was miserable this year and you want to explore another option. Alternatively, this book is perfect for the veteran homeschooler of many years.
"Teaching in Your Tiara" is a Soup to Nuts explanation of how to educate your child at home. It is an obsessively complete 360 degree viewpoint of the homeschool process. It's great for beginners because Frech's encouraging tone is the perfect invitation you need to sit down and prayerful start discerning this process in your heart. It's great for veterans because Frech's attention to detail will help any teacher answer some of those nagging questions that are still confusing even after many years of teaching.
Please buy this book most of all because Frech is funny! My public soundtrack to silently reading Frech's unique style is giggles, titters, whoops, howls, snorts and the ubiquitous "she did not just say that!" Frech is an amusing writer. Her unique voice stands out among all the other "How To" Homeschooling manuals that are already out there.
I hate reading homeschooling books in general. Yet I adore this one. I hope this is the first of many of Frech's books I have the pleasure of collecting, savoring, and rereading on a doubtful "Why Am I Doing This Anyway?" kind of day.
Healing the Heart of the Teacher
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Yesterday, I passed my Fifth Homeschool Review. It marked an anniversary of sorts. My fifth year as a teacher.
I've loved teaching my whole life. My favorite memories are working in Children's Theater, being a Camp Counselor, and teaching Vacation Bible School. I tear up at those "Dangerous Minds" type of teacher movies. I think I stunned the Teach America recruiter because I was the only Law Student they ever had who seriously inquired about applying to their program.
For me personally, I'm most damaged in the areas of my greatest God given talents. I'm a writer who suffered vicious bullying from my AP English Teacher during my Senior Year of High School. That's not unusual, but of course, I lacked perspective as a young writer. I just internalized it as "I totally suck" and majored in History, instead of English, in college.
For me, the emotional role of "teacher" took a similar battering. I don't have such a neat memory of what events caused me to falsely conclude that "teaching wasn't my thing" when it so clearly is a deep God given talent. I only know that I entered homeschooling with a very battered and fearful heart.
For four years, I focused outward. I want to find the "right teaching method." I was focused on "how my kids learn best." I was gun shy and easily spooked. I had an uneasy teaching pace. I couldn't find "us"--our family homeschooling pattern in a book, or in a worksheet, or in a homeschooling group. I drifted to the side until finally after a move to a new state, I didn't even bother to try to find a new homeschool co-op. I felt more weird and lonely hanging out with other homeschooling Moms than I ever did eating lunch as the "new girl" in a public school cafeteria.
This year, I got healed. I had the opportunity to work with Rebecca from Shoved to Them as she wrote a new Homeschool Book called "Teaching in Your Tiara." This book is awesome! Rebecca is awesome! It was one of those unselfish/selfish kind of things. I started helping a friend because I liked her writing and I was doing her a favor. At the end of the whole process, I realize that I had internalized her whole pep talk about teaching and she was doing me the favor.
For the first time, this past homeschool review was easy. I was healed. I didn't walk into the review looking for maternal approval. I went for the business like reason of getting State approval for the good job my kids and I had already accomplished during the year.
I realized finally, that I'm a teacher. A teacher without quotation marks, or asterisks. I'm not a teacher because we can't afford a good private school. I'm a teacher because I was born to teach. I'm a teacher because my husband and I made a decision that our kids learn best with me.
Being a teacher means I can grade. I can give constructive feedback. I can discipline. I can figure out what skills I need to learn in order to teach my kids better. I can pick the curriculum that we cover. I can pick and discard the methods I use. I can hang out with the Public School Moms and the Catholic School Moms and the Home School Moms. I'm not stuck in a box because I like to wear dresses to the park and I can plan a playdate for my 10 year old 2 PM on a Tuesday.
I've loved teaching my whole life. My favorite memories are working in Children's Theater, being a Camp Counselor, and teaching Vacation Bible School. I tear up at those "Dangerous Minds" type of teacher movies. I think I stunned the Teach America recruiter because I was the only Law Student they ever had who seriously inquired about applying to their program.
For me personally, I'm most damaged in the areas of my greatest God given talents. I'm a writer who suffered vicious bullying from my AP English Teacher during my Senior Year of High School. That's not unusual, but of course, I lacked perspective as a young writer. I just internalized it as "I totally suck" and majored in History, instead of English, in college.
For me, the emotional role of "teacher" took a similar battering. I don't have such a neat memory of what events caused me to falsely conclude that "teaching wasn't my thing" when it so clearly is a deep God given talent. I only know that I entered homeschooling with a very battered and fearful heart.
For four years, I focused outward. I want to find the "right teaching method." I was focused on "how my kids learn best." I was gun shy and easily spooked. I had an uneasy teaching pace. I couldn't find "us"--our family homeschooling pattern in a book, or in a worksheet, or in a homeschooling group. I drifted to the side until finally after a move to a new state, I didn't even bother to try to find a new homeschool co-op. I felt more weird and lonely hanging out with other homeschooling Moms than I ever did eating lunch as the "new girl" in a public school cafeteria.
This year, I got healed. I had the opportunity to work with Rebecca from Shoved to Them as she wrote a new Homeschool Book called "Teaching in Your Tiara." This book is awesome! Rebecca is awesome! It was one of those unselfish/selfish kind of things. I started helping a friend because I liked her writing and I was doing her a favor. At the end of the whole process, I realize that I had internalized her whole pep talk about teaching and she was doing me the favor.
For the first time, this past homeschool review was easy. I was healed. I didn't walk into the review looking for maternal approval. I went for the business like reason of getting State approval for the good job my kids and I had already accomplished during the year.
I realized finally, that I'm a teacher. A teacher without quotation marks, or asterisks. I'm not a teacher because we can't afford a good private school. I'm a teacher because I was born to teach. I'm a teacher because my husband and I made a decision that our kids learn best with me.
Being a teacher means I can grade. I can give constructive feedback. I can discipline. I can figure out what skills I need to learn in order to teach my kids better. I can pick the curriculum that we cover. I can pick and discard the methods I use. I can hang out with the Public School Moms and the Catholic School Moms and the Home School Moms. I'm not stuck in a box because I like to wear dresses to the park and I can plan a playdate for my 10 year old 2 PM on a Tuesday.
Soul Pancake--My Last Days
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"Fix Me Up"
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Clouds
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This beautiful song writer died this morning. God bless his soul.
Praying for Oklahoma
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I remember praying so hard for Oklahoma City in 1995 after the terrorist attack. That picture of the fireman carrying out a limp little baby from the bombed day care center still breaks my heart. It's unbelievable to be praying for so many hurting parents in that same area again today. Jesus, have mercy on us!
Mimi's New Love
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Our New Kitten
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"Lucky Jack Whiskers Coco" (name still to be decided) is Maria's 6th Birthday gift. That kid has prayed for a cat for over 18 months. We couldn't have found a more calm kitten.
Refusing to Choose a Lesser Good
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In my Facebook messages right now there is a church woman who insists on finding me a bigger volunteer role in my parish. It's a push back. I've said No to all of her volunteer suggestions this Spring. So obviously, I'm in need of more help. She neatly lists three jobs at church which I might find a good fit. I read her list and laughed out loud.
The truth is that finding volunteer positions in my church that match my skill set is NOT the problem. Staying focused on my mission is the hard part. It is easy for me to say yes. It is a far, far harder thing for me to say no.
This year, God is doing massive repair work on my heart. He's trying to get me off my "sparkle addiction." That's when I furiously try to hide my low self-esteem by doing amazing work for the applause of strangers. "Look at me, I'm so sparkly! Isn't it amazing what I can do to help others? I must be so useful to God!"
God doesn't want me to be "useful" to Him. We've spent 38 years in that trap of my attempting to "earn my keep" as a Christian.
Which is good, because I'm not a useful type of girl. I'm absent minded, clumsy, and messy. I'm not the one that can run the church rummage sale without a hitch.
What I am good at is cheerfulness, enthusiasm, and giving warm smiles. Those are rare and wonderful traits--but they are also fragile.
I'm in a fragile place called recovery. Right now I'm working on fixing myself from some deep rooted sins. It's painful. It's slow. It's really boring and very humbling work. Yet, I see huge gains. I'm happier. My husband is happier. My kids are happier. So while the temptation exists to distract myself with projects that seem more fun and easier, I've got a strong pull to stay focused on the recovery work that's in front of me.
Volunteering for a parish or my community is beautiful, but it's "excess." Volunteering is a lesser good that takes energy that is over-spilling from my Marriage and my Mothering. Right now, short, tiny volunteer projects that easily blend into my day are good. Long, drawn out commitments that require weekly meetings in the evening are so outside the realm of possibility they make me laugh.
I'm in the anti-sparkle training session in my life right now. I'm busy eating meatloaf with my family on Tuesday nights. I'm snuggling with my husband. I'm helping a new baby learn how to walk and encouraging a toddler to get on a steady sleep schedule. I'm learning to define myself as a Catholic, not by the number of formal volunteer positions I hold in my church but by the laughter and moral integrity that my relationship with Christ brings into my daily life.
The truth is that finding volunteer positions in my church that match my skill set is NOT the problem. Staying focused on my mission is the hard part. It is easy for me to say yes. It is a far, far harder thing for me to say no.
This year, God is doing massive repair work on my heart. He's trying to get me off my "sparkle addiction." That's when I furiously try to hide my low self-esteem by doing amazing work for the applause of strangers. "Look at me, I'm so sparkly! Isn't it amazing what I can do to help others? I must be so useful to God!"
God doesn't want me to be "useful" to Him. We've spent 38 years in that trap of my attempting to "earn my keep" as a Christian.
Which is good, because I'm not a useful type of girl. I'm absent minded, clumsy, and messy. I'm not the one that can run the church rummage sale without a hitch.
What I am good at is cheerfulness, enthusiasm, and giving warm smiles. Those are rare and wonderful traits--but they are also fragile.
I'm in a fragile place called recovery. Right now I'm working on fixing myself from some deep rooted sins. It's painful. It's slow. It's really boring and very humbling work. Yet, I see huge gains. I'm happier. My husband is happier. My kids are happier. So while the temptation exists to distract myself with projects that seem more fun and easier, I've got a strong pull to stay focused on the recovery work that's in front of me.
Volunteering for a parish or my community is beautiful, but it's "excess." Volunteering is a lesser good that takes energy that is over-spilling from my Marriage and my Mothering. Right now, short, tiny volunteer projects that easily blend into my day are good. Long, drawn out commitments that require weekly meetings in the evening are so outside the realm of possibility they make me laugh.
I'm in the anti-sparkle training session in my life right now. I'm busy eating meatloaf with my family on Tuesday nights. I'm snuggling with my husband. I'm helping a new baby learn how to walk and encouraging a toddler to get on a steady sleep schedule. I'm learning to define myself as a Catholic, not by the number of formal volunteer positions I hold in my church but by the laughter and moral integrity that my relationship with Christ brings into my daily life.
A Mother's Day Blessing
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(This is the blessing my priest, Father Eric gave to all women during the Mass last Sunday. The original source is from Amy Young at messymiddle.com)
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food
stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or
running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and
disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t
mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with
you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit
with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge
your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with
you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we
anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have
real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food
stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or
running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and
disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t
mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with
you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit
with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge
your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with
you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we
anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have
real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
The Gift is NOT Getting To Meet Our Life Goals
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Today's Psalm in the Morning Office always does my heart so much good to ponder.
But my people did not heed my voice
and Israel would not obey,
so I left them in their stubbornness of heart
to follow their own designs.
Psalm 81
I am a recovering "Oprah Girl." I used to watch Oprah when I was in Law School. Afterwards, I'd take invigorating runs around a perfect blue lake in Wisconsin. During those runs, all fired up on female empowerment, my future seemed as clear as the lake next to me reflecting the blue of the sky. I had clear goals and expectations. I was going to take the Oprah Challenge and make my life into something awesome.
Along the way to my life goals, I fell in love with Jon and then his Catholic Church. It didn't take long at eating the True Presence in the Eucharist for most of my plans to go sailing out of the window. Now my plan is to "Follow Him."
When I read this Psalm, I'm reminded that being free to follow the designs in your heart is a sign of punishment from God. Our life is not supposed to be totally "Self-Directed." The life of a Christian means that I'm supposed to follow a Higher Being who is by definition "higher" than myself. God sees everything. God knows me better than I know myself. When I follow his plan for my life, instead of my plan, beautiful things start to happen.
I'm getting closer to the age of 40. Now I see with humility that by drawing my down unfamiliar paths, God is actually giving me both "His Plan" and "My Plan" for my life at the same time. I didn't think that writing books could ever be possible while caring for five children, but it is when I'm on "God's Plan," not mine. I didn't think I could have a nourishing intellectual life as a stay-at-home Mother but I'm way intellectual now than when I was a lawyer. I didn't think that a small, hidden life could make me feel so vital and connected to my community. I didn't know that falling in love with one man, could widen my heart to more deeply love the whole world.
I'm too blessed to be a self-determined Oprah Girl anymore. I've met Him. I'm in love. I'm trying to make my heart a better reflection of His heart. I'm finding more joy by starting to live a life that is NOT of my own choosing.
But my people did not heed my voice
and Israel would not obey,
so I left them in their stubbornness of heart
to follow their own designs.
Psalm 81
I am a recovering "Oprah Girl." I used to watch Oprah when I was in Law School. Afterwards, I'd take invigorating runs around a perfect blue lake in Wisconsin. During those runs, all fired up on female empowerment, my future seemed as clear as the lake next to me reflecting the blue of the sky. I had clear goals and expectations. I was going to take the Oprah Challenge and make my life into something awesome.
Along the way to my life goals, I fell in love with Jon and then his Catholic Church. It didn't take long at eating the True Presence in the Eucharist for most of my plans to go sailing out of the window. Now my plan is to "Follow Him."
When I read this Psalm, I'm reminded that being free to follow the designs in your heart is a sign of punishment from God. Our life is not supposed to be totally "Self-Directed." The life of a Christian means that I'm supposed to follow a Higher Being who is by definition "higher" than myself. God sees everything. God knows me better than I know myself. When I follow his plan for my life, instead of my plan, beautiful things start to happen.
I'm getting closer to the age of 40. Now I see with humility that by drawing my down unfamiliar paths, God is actually giving me both "His Plan" and "My Plan" for my life at the same time. I didn't think that writing books could ever be possible while caring for five children, but it is when I'm on "God's Plan," not mine. I didn't think I could have a nourishing intellectual life as a stay-at-home Mother but I'm way intellectual now than when I was a lawyer. I didn't think that a small, hidden life could make me feel so vital and connected to my community. I didn't know that falling in love with one man, could widen my heart to more deeply love the whole world.
I'm too blessed to be a self-determined Oprah Girl anymore. I've met Him. I'm in love. I'm trying to make my heart a better reflection of His heart. I'm finding more joy by starting to live a life that is NOT of my own choosing.
Mother's Day is Hard for Me
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Mother's Day is hard for me. I have some negative memories associated with that day. For me, having kids meant that I came out of denial. Holidays are "trigger days" now. I remember all kinds of stuff that I haven't remembered before because I too busy acting out the exhausting role of Black Sheep Scape Goat & Shiny Pretty Golden Girl.
On Mother's Day, I usually deal with an extra load of emotional pain from my childhood. At the same time, I feel totally unworthy of all the sweet words on pre-printed on those Mother's Day cards myself. Then I carry all this internal pressure to wear a "happy face" so I look appreciative enough for my kids. It is a perfectionist's recipe for disaster.
This year, I'm in this new group and it helps me so much. One of the taglines is "Are you uncomfortable with public displays of appreciation?" Yes, that is me. I wilt under the pressure of Mother's Day.
This year, I'm feeling up for the challenge. I extended forgiveness to my Mom and myself. I sent my Mom a card, but I didn't kill myself hunting 20 years for the perfect gift for her.
This year, I decided I'm going to keep my heart open. However, uncomfortable it feels for me to have a bunch of young children tell me how great a job I'm doing, are doing, I'm not going to shut down in fear. My kids need an opportunity to tell me how much they love me. I need to hear it plainly, without adding a mental cavet "well you say that now, but what until after you grow up...." in the back of my mind.
I'll be praying hard this Mother's Day. If this is an easy holiday for you--God bless you. I hope that I'll get there soon. If it's a hard day for you, please consider dropping me a prayer intention at my email address. There are so many people in my heart. There are Mothers with infertility, miscarriage, and child death this Mother's Day.
There was only one Mom who truly deserves all those flowing words in a Hallmark Commercial --Mary, the Mother of God. Thankfully, she has enough grace flowing through her to make up for all that I lack.
On Mother's Day, I usually deal with an extra load of emotional pain from my childhood. At the same time, I feel totally unworthy of all the sweet words on pre-printed on those Mother's Day cards myself. Then I carry all this internal pressure to wear a "happy face" so I look appreciative enough for my kids. It is a perfectionist's recipe for disaster.
This year, I'm in this new group and it helps me so much. One of the taglines is "Are you uncomfortable with public displays of appreciation?" Yes, that is me. I wilt under the pressure of Mother's Day.
This year, I'm feeling up for the challenge. I extended forgiveness to my Mom and myself. I sent my Mom a card, but I didn't kill myself hunting 20 years for the perfect gift for her.
This year, I decided I'm going to keep my heart open. However, uncomfortable it feels for me to have a bunch of young children tell me how great a job I'm doing, are doing, I'm not going to shut down in fear. My kids need an opportunity to tell me how much they love me. I need to hear it plainly, without adding a mental cavet "well you say that now, but what until after you grow up...." in the back of my mind.
I'll be praying hard this Mother's Day. If this is an easy holiday for you--God bless you. I hope that I'll get there soon. If it's a hard day for you, please consider dropping me a prayer intention at my email address. There are so many people in my heart. There are Mothers with infertility, miscarriage, and child death this Mother's Day.
There was only one Mom who truly deserves all those flowing words in a Hallmark Commercial --Mary, the Mother of God. Thankfully, she has enough grace flowing through her to make up for all that I lack.
A Beautiful Suggestion for Christian Prayer on Mother's Day
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To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
ht: Lauren
Notes From the Road
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Some random notes from my head.
1. I'm working on a longer writing project. It's going really well. It hard to get kick-started somedays, but it's really relaxing to write long pieces. I feel like I can get a flow going in my writing more than when I'm writing choppy blog pieces.
2. All that writing means this blog is very neglected.
3. This is the calmest I've ever been before a homeschool review. May 20th is the big day.
4. I finally got organized at the encouragement of my husband. I created a Mom's notebook with everything in my life filed into a 3 ring binder. Of course, I regularly misplace my notebook inside my house. Then I freak out because everything that I urgently need is now hopelessly lost. This step forward in organization is causing me more anxiety and not less. Yet I'm persevering in the hope that someday, I will be better at this task.
1. I'm working on a longer writing project. It's going really well. It hard to get kick-started somedays, but it's really relaxing to write long pieces. I feel like I can get a flow going in my writing more than when I'm writing choppy blog pieces.
2. All that writing means this blog is very neglected.
3. This is the calmest I've ever been before a homeschool review. May 20th is the big day.
4. I finally got organized at the encouragement of my husband. I created a Mom's notebook with everything in my life filed into a 3 ring binder. Of course, I regularly misplace my notebook inside my house. Then I freak out because everything that I urgently need is now hopelessly lost. This step forward in organization is causing me more anxiety and not less. Yet I'm persevering in the hope that someday, I will be better at this task.