Abigail's Advent

Some random notes:

1. Yeah! Pope Francis won "Person of the Year" for Time Magazine. Does our Pope have a fan club, or what?

A few weeks ago, I had my extended family over for a post-Thanksgiving seafood party. (That how this landlocked West Virginian hosts an event now. "Oh, you are coming to my house? What a great excuse to buy a dozen blue crabs from my favorite foodie paradise!") My new Sister-in-law sat on my couch in front of my newly erected live Christmas Tree and said "I love Pope Francis!"

I'm an adult convert from the Protestant faith. I've had ten years of horrible conversations about Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict with every one of my extended family members. There was one memorable night when I was trying to defend the Pope during a fun night out with my sister at a DC bar when I finally decided "Enough Abigail! Shut up, already!" I can live my life with deference to some great holy men dressed up in white hats in Rome without seeking approval from my siblings or my parents.

So it truly felt surreal that my new Protestant sister, who has zero intentions of converting, talked so openly and positively about our new Pope. She really admires him. I kept waiting for my brother to jump in, or my mother or my father. Instead, everyone nodded their head in agreement. Surreal!

2. My favorite find on Cyber Monday this year is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

 

I am in love with this image. It's so me.

 

 

 

 

3. We had a major snowstorm over the weekend. We went from bare ground to ten inches of  snow! My kids are in heaven. Jon somehow taught three of them to snowboard well in two days. They are so athletic.

 

4. Of course, being the geeky Mom I instantly said "We need to be ready for Sochi!" I googled that the Olympic Trials for the US Snowboarding Team are happening this weekend. We will be watching at noon on Saturday! I think a pop quiz on the Shaun White is a good follow up to our homeschool focus on Nelson Mandela this past week.

 

5. Thanks to my friend Claire, I finally mastered the art of Sugar Cookie making. That's my favorite way take on intimidating new cooking challenges, with a friend. After years of epic fails, I scheduled a joint Sugar Cookie making party with Claire. She made the dough. I made the icing. We used this site for inspiration. Totally awesome! I now actually prefer the cookie making party, to the regular cookie exchange party in Advent. Hope this becomes a regular holiday tradition.

 

6. Today is St. Lucy's Feast Day and tomorrow is St. John of the Cross!

 

7. Hope everyone has a peaceful Advent Season!

Easy Christmas Baking With Young Kids

(Ideas from my six year old baker, Miss Mimi)

Peppermint Bark

Buy one bag of white chocolate chips and one box of mini candy canes. Hand out crab mallets to all the kids. Have the kids bang up the candy canes (still inside the plastic package) on the table into small bits. The goal is small chips rather than a complete candy smash. Clip the ends of the candy cane packages with scissors and dump candy cane chips into a small bowl.

Spread out wax paper or aluminum paper on the kitchen counter. Place candy cane bowl nearby.

Mom melts the white chocolate chips in a double boiler over medium heat. (It's easy to make your own double boiler if you don't have one). Pour melted chocolate on wax paper. Have young kid sprinkle a liberal topping of candy canes over the chocolate, i.e. "make candy cane snow." Place mixture in fridge for 10 to 15 minutes.

Candy Cane Cake

Buy one box of Famous Chocolate Wafer Cookies and one bowl of Cool Whip. Layer the chocolate cookies in a flower design--six "petal" cookies around one center cookie. Top with a layer of Cool Whip. Make cake into 6 to 8 layers. Ice the top with Cool Whip. Add Candy Canes for Decoration. Freeze for 8 hours or overnight. The Cool Whip softens the Chocolate Wafer cookies over time making this dish extra delicious.

Happy Baking!

A Genuine, if Imperfect, Holiness

This is a quote from today's Office "the Church on earth is already sealed by genuine, if imperfect, holiness."

I'm taking that line as lifelong goal: "I strive for a genuine, if imperfect, holiness." My holiness is imperfect. I have glaring defects of character that are highlighted by my daily life along side six other people in my home. Yet, I've gotten more genuine in these last years as I approach age 40. I like that.

A Potential Christmas Card Photo

Instead of going through the drama of getting seven people looking at a camera at the same time in Holiday Gear, I'm thinking about starting a new tradition where I just grab a random photo from Picassa that expresses our "essence." I think this one is so "us." A Dad in a suit at a party with a glass of wine calmly watching a little girl escape over fence in her fancy church shoes. I could write an essay on all the symbolism contained in this photo.

Planning A Sane Christmas

It is really, really hard to have a happy, healthy Advent. I can turn into a real stress ball. Here are some things I'm doing for myself this year.

1. Fill the Tank--I went on a Silent Retreat with some local monks two weeks ago. Man, If I can figure out how to get myself to church alone a few times this Advent, I'm golden. Jesus ran away from the crowds and hid up in the mountains. The monks assured me that its normal to feel T-I-R-E-D while doing my vocation. My goal is that whenever I start to feel edgy and tired, instead of pushing through "a few more tasks so then I can rest", I escape pretty quickly to recharge my batteries.

2. Christmas shopping is a bear for me, so I did it quick, dirty and all online. This year, I really simplified my intent. I'm trying to get my ego out of the way. My goal is not to give my kids "the best Christmas ever!" It's not to finally appease the difficult people in my life with the "one perfect gift that will finally prove my slavish devotion." A present is about Love. I picked one thing that I thought was a pretty good fit, bought it on sale online Black Friday, and called it a day.

3. An Irish priest once told me "Each kid should get one present!" As an American who grew up with full saturation of Middle Class Christmas in her past, I sort of gasped at that level of simplicity. This year, I used that as a guiding principal. I got every kid two gifts. I bought those presents online today. It feels good to be done. I might add to the present stash if Jon gets a bonus or I come in under budget for my groceries in December--but my base line is covered. I feel like I can finally pray instead of worry about presents all Advent.

4. I bought today presents for the "hard" people in my life. The one's I usually stress out about pleasing. (I'm a recovering Co-dependent so pleasing the hard to please can majorly sap my strength.) Last year, I said "Forget it" and didn't buy anyone apart from my kids presents. I caused some trouble. I think that was a part of my growth. This year I picked a major department store and said "One Day, One Sale." I found gifts for everyone. Moreover, I found a good "category" of gift from everyone that I think I can build on in the future.

5. Now that the hard part is done, the game is "How can I make Christmas Day even more fun without spending much more money?" I'm sort of excited about this challenge. Here are some things I already discovered.

A. Chinese Jump Rope at Walmart for $1.99. I loved these things as a kid. This was how I spent my recess at Barrington Elementary School in Columbus, Ohio in the early 1980s. If you've never seen this game played, check out some you tube videos.

B. Indoor Snowballs at Oriental Trading for $5. I think having a surprise indoor snowball fight with my kids on Christmas morning sounds awesome.

C. Paper City. This super cool artist named Joel has these awesome paper toys templates on his website. We printed "Paper City" on cardboard stock last Christmas and my kids loved it. My husband added special cartoons of each family member. I recreated it at several Boy Scout events and so many kids were equally taken with this concept.

D. I asked a friend who can cook to teach me now to roll out sugar cookies. (I learned the secret is in chilling the dough well after mixing!) We're having a cookie making party in early December. My girls are in heaven! I'm hopeful I can find some easy baking projects to do with my kids on Christmas afternoon.

6. I'm taking it chill with the "prayer and religion thing." In the past, I've felt this pressure to cram in the entire theology of the Incarnation into Advent Season for my kids. This year, I'm taking it easy. My mantra is "It's a mystery, Dude!" The Christmas Season isn't so much a pageant with different pieces--cue the Angels Harking-- it's more of a internal awareness. I feel confident that as Jon and I peacefully walk through this season that those few teachable moments will show up naturally in our life.

7. Ack! I'm not doing Christmas cards! I'm a writer. I LOVE writing Christmas cards. Alas, it's on the chopping block this year. That's good. I should give up some of this Christmas traditions I like, in order to keep the things I need--sleep, sanity, and lots of unprompted smiles!

"Guests Are More Important Than Food"

I'm a Jane-Come-Lately to the lost art of hospitality, but this NY Times article by Food Critic Corey Mintez describes this important virtue in clear English.

"When I’m the host, people are more important than food. And when I’m the guest, I don’t really care if the food is bad."

"Families often lose out on the hospitality we offer to strangers. But when your cousins come in out of the cold, pumpkin pie in one hand, toddler in the other, they appreciate having someone take their coat. And get them a drink.
      

Close family members require less ministration. New family members and boyfriends and girlfriends who aren’t yet familiar enough to put their feet up on the sofa may feel less comfortable. They deserve extra attention.

      

What they need, what we all need, is to feel special, rather than ignored in favor of food that should have been prepped in advance as much as possible. Ask them about school. Give them a kitchen task. Remind them that they’re part of the family. "

 

More great info on the virtue of humility--a must for any good cook. I'm convinced this is why Julia Child (a graduate of my same college) shone on TV. She dropped the chicken on the floor, laughed at herself, washed the chicken and then cooked it--on national TV!

 

"Every one of those shows where cooking is a sport features a moment when the food is judged. I’ve seen that scene played out again and again at dinner parties in private homes, with the host expecting the guests to render a verdict of the meal. It makes everyone uncomfortable.

      

Even worse, I’ve been served food with the declaration: “It didn’t turn out the way it looked in the magazine. I don’t think it’s good. But tell me what you think.” This is the hosting equivalent of “Does this make me look fat?” There is no right answer. Because the question is really: “Will you pander to my insecurity as a cook?”

      

Even with the uniformity of the Thanksgiving menu, turkey is not free from judgment. Its moistness and the crispness of its skin are scored against all other turkeys ever cooked.

      

Better to serve it without fanfare or apology. If it’s edible, they will eat it. If it’s good, you’ll hear that in a low-pitched cross between a moan and a yum, elicited without request.

      

It’s more important that you continue to pour water and wine, to remind them that you’re looking after their needs.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

What a great day. Food and Prayer, my favorite combo! Today, we picked up our turkey from our local Amish Meat Market. I was so happy to have a fresh, organic, locally sourced turkey for less than a frozen Butterball at Wal-mart. I love being a foodie on the cheap.

This was the weekend of movies. I took my older three kids to opening night of "Catching Fire," the new Hunger Games movie. They felt like such teenagers. They made up this cool secret handshake in the parking lot and then taught it to me, their Mom. I was laughing at my private joke that it doesn't matter how hip you look in your jean jacket, willingly talking to your Mom in the movie theater parking lot is proof positive that you are not yet a teenager. Someday, I will be totally uncool as their chaperone. For now, I appreciate every second.

Today, we took all five kids to see Disney's "Frozen." A really great movie. I usually zone out during animation flicks, but this was a thoughtful, funny musical that beats out Beauty and the Beast. When we finished Frozen, we walk out into our first snowfall of the season. Perfect timing!

Hope every enjoys Thanksgiving tomorrow! Happy First Day of Hanukkah! Advent starts December 1st!

The Maccabeats - Book of Good Life

The Maccabeats - Book of Good Life

The Maccabeats - Burn - Hanukkah

Malibu: The Car for the Richest Guys on Earth - #trulyrich | Chevrolet

What is going on in the World of Advertising these days? Good social change is here!

This Clip Is So Like My Own Family Too!

I'm Living Shonda Rhimes' Dream Life!

I started laughing when I got to this scene on Hulu last week. My life described perfectly. Substitute West Virginia for Vermont and pie making, for making jam. I showed this clip to my husband and he said with a laugh "I thought the dream was to become President!" Can you believe President Grant gets all choked up when he says "and bedrooms for lots of kids?" LOTS. Not two bedrooms.

What He Said

I adore being a reader because so often I stumble upon the perfect words for ideas that are only half-discerned inside my own mind. This quote comes from a interview with photographer Walker Evans who is describing the tensions between being an Andover prep school grad, Parisian ex-pat in the 1920s and tenant farmer advocate in the 1930s.

"It is still confusing to me, because I find that I am at heart an aristocrat, if there is such a thing. I do believe in aristocracy. But if I examine it very carefully, I find that it is based on money that is almost always stolen. You do not amass a fortune without ruining a lot of other people. And yet it has produced a cultural distinction. Aristocracy is unjust socially. I have to reconcile myself to this dichotomy and this schizophrenia.

I am in love with civilization. I feel that art is aristocratic, and an artist is an aristocrat. It is economically and socially impossible to be an artist unless you have a tremendous amount of strength. Great artists have been very poor to being with, and they have had the guts and the strength to get through that. Before Picasso became a multimillionaire he painted furniture on the wall to pretend that he had some. Many a great artist has died young and not been able to survive. That includes Mozart and Modigliania and many others."

(Ferris, William. "The Storied South: Voices of Writers and Artists", pg. 182)

Hug a Musician Today For St. Cecilia's Feast Day! Florida State University AcaBelles - Royals (opb. Lorde)

An Update

I'm five weeks from my miscarriage, four weeks from Leo's funeral. I'm healing.

We had a really fun Halloween. No pictures. I let my artistic six year old play with my digital camera. Her Dad put it on a tripod for her one night and she was a fantastic photographer. I handed it to her the next night, sans tripod, and she dropped it within 5 minutes. So now I'm stretching my Christmas budget to buy her a cheap digital camera and myself a replacement camera. Can anyone email me recommendations? I need one that takes pictures fast because my cuties don't hold their expressions long and it needs to be as inexpensive as possible.

I must be healing from my conflicted relationship with my feminist alma mater, Smith College. I need workout clothes. I've started running to lose the 19 pounds of remaining pregnancy weight. I surprised myself by checking out the T-shirt selection at the Smith College website. There is something about a Smithie or Smith College Crew shirt that makes me feel like I can kick butt as a runner. That could be a treat to myself.

I did have to laugh because the Smith College "kids and baby" section is virtually none existent. This is after I checked out the extensive collection of University of Wisconsin kid gear at Kohls. (I met my husband as a fellow student at the Big W). Is that because Wisconsin is a Big 10 school with a larger fan base? Or because most Smithies don't reproduce? You decide.

I'm clothes shopping online because nothing fits. I have that weird pudge in the middle of my body. Usually that awkward post-partum thing happens when I have a cute newborn in a Bijorn on my tummy. Rather than feel weird, I'm just embracing it. I took Rebecca F's suggestion to hit Goodwill. I spent $30 and discovered a delish combination of ballet sweaters, a maxi skirt, a giraffe print purse and dangly silver earrings.

I love dressing myself on no money in second hand stores. It's all about prayer. I pray that line "are you better dressed than the lilies in the field?" before I shop. It's crazy to find good stuff for $4. I love it because it forces me to try things that I won't normally pick out for myself. For example, I thought "get a tunic to hide to bulge." I couldn't find tunics easily, but the store was filled with the short ballet sweaters that were popular a few years ago. Those sweaters looked better on my body than my initial idea.

That is my Fall. It's turning out to be a sweet one. Jon is remolding our basement into a second living room. I'm shocked what that man can do with color. He's truly a professional graphic designer. We had this gross room that had once been a dreary basement bedroom. Jon painted the cheap drop ceiling a rich chocolate brown and the walls a vivid lime. Tonight he's putting a wood patterned linoleum on the floor. I picked up some Kelly Green Dorm Furniture from Target. It's going to be an awesome kid hang out.

On the first floor we have the "adult" living room. We got a full cord of wood for the fire. It is so cool to light a fire in the fireplace on dark winter nights at our house.

Maria, my six year old, and I are experimenting with cake recipes. The girl is a nut. Anyday is a great day if we bake. She's struggling a little with first grade reading, so I'm giving her extra time school time to read cookbooks. (When she reads books that she's interested in, the lessons are so easier.) The other day she asked me "Mom what does f-r-a-i-c-h-e spell?" I asked her to respell the word twice and still had no idea what basic ingredient Maria was trying to read. I thought "Man, this kid really doesn't know her letters. I better do some massive remedial phonics with her!" Then I came over and read the cookbook myself.  The recipe was for 2 cups of crème fraiche! I started laughing at myself. Is my six year old behind or ahead in her reading ability? It's ridiculous the amount of pressure I put on myself to homeschool well.

Even Starbucks Fails Sometimes, Why Can't I Fail Sometimes Too?

"There are moments in our lives when we summon the courage to make choices that go against reason, against common sense and the wise counsel of people we trust. But we lean forward nonetheless because, despite all the risks and rational argument, we believe that the path we are choosing is the right and best thing to do. We refuse to be bystanders, even if we do not know exactly where our actions will lead."  (Onward, pg 7).

That quote comes from "Onward," a book I'm reading by Starbuck's founder, Howard Schultz. Starbucks is such an iconic brand. It's good for me to read about Schultz's many business challenges, especially in our current uncertain economy. I'm finding a lot of metaphors to my own life.

It's beautiful to recognize that leadership means I'm not sure exactly where my "actions will lead." I have a vision in my heart. I gather intel and emotional support. Then I leap. I trust myself to make course corrections as necessary. Leadership means risk. I don't sit frozen in place until every possible contingency is covered with a exit plan.

This is different from how I was raised under the mantra of "Don't Screw up!" "Don't embarrass us!" "Don't bring negative attention to the family!" "Failure is not an option!"

It's healing to read business books because these leaders are all about embracing failure. Failure is not simply an option, failure is a guarantee. There are going to be ideas that don't work. Failure is a good thing because it teaches you more than success.

I feel caught as a mother because that is the one job where failure is not allowed. Failure means my kid ends up in jail, on drugs, or the stripper pole. Failure means my kid is an artistic success but so emotionally stunted she can't pick a decent marriage partner. Failure means my kid doesn't call home on Thanksgiving Day and spends hours complaining about me to her therapist.

Because of my personality, it's easy for me to snowball my little failures of parenting into my fear of the big failure "This is it! This is the moment that I've screw up my kid for life!" My fear is often totally out of proportion to the actual parenting lapse--like forgetting that my six year old lost a tooth last night and needed some cash or candy under her pillow.

It's soothing to read about the launch of Starbuck's instant coffee line, VIA. There were a lot of mistakes. There were some missteps. The path to an innovative idea wasn't laid out clearly in some Wall Street Journal Article.

I'm doing something innovative here too. I'm raising a Hannah. An Alex. A Maria, Teresa, and Abigail Clare. There is no book. There's no surefire parenting method to avoid failure. There is a passion in my heart. There is a commitment. There is a belief that I'm going to figure out how to mother them in the ways they need to turn into healthy, strong and unique human beings.

I graduate from a fancy Leadership Program at Smith College. Yet I didn't know what leadership meant until I became a Mom. Leadership means "knowing who I am." Leadership means "knowing where I'm going." Leadership means that I have a healthy self confidence that even if I can't see exactly how to implement an idea that I can figure it out as I go along. Leadership means embracing my fear of failure.

 

Notes From The Life of An Accidental Stay-At-Home Mother

At age 24, I had the most amazing internship. I was one of six Law Students from across the country picked to work at an innovation Children's Legal Defense Firm in Boston. The firm was started by two social workers who fell in love with each other and then went to law school. They had a bubble gum machine in their law office and their little 2 year old daughter used to bring me purple gum balls while I chatted on the telephone.

It was a dream job. I had real cases with individual kids ages twelve to fifteen. My Mentor had endless knowledge and really loved to teach. He knew everything and everyone. It was one of these rare moments in life when I had endless resources to throw at a problem. With one phone call, I could get a troubled kid into best therapist at Boston Children's Hospital. I could ask to rewrite an IEP and direct a kid's education plan.

My Mentor was these kids "Guardian Ad Litem". After 20 years of excellent service in the Juvenile Court, the judges gave my Mentor a blank check. The legal hearings were a slam dunk. We'd show up, ask for whatever we wanted and it would be approved. My Mentor took the hard cases. These were young kids who faced huge psychological and environmental hurdles. Yet I really felt the whole City of Boston pulling for these kids. It was hard not to feel great hope.

The problem I ran into again and again that summer, was that I couldn't make a parent appear for these needy kids. I could get a needy kid new sneakers. I could get a housing voucher. I could get a doctor or therapist appointment. I could get a free admission to a specialized boarding school. I could get anything, except the one thing this kid really needs--a lifetime of loving support from one stable adult.

It was heartbreaking to have everything and to have nothing. To know that no matter how hard I worked, in September I was going back to school in Madison, Wisconsin. The best I could do was make some notes in a case file, and hand the file over to the next law clerk, the next therapist and the next teacher.

I learned something big at age 24. I learned that stability matters. That summer camp is great. A free afterschool art program is wonderful. All these "special" childhood initiatives are good. Underneath all the glitz there is a fundamental need for a kid to have stable, day in day out, emotionally available and nurturing "parents." A kid's "parent figure" doesn't have to be a biological parent, or an official adoptive parent. Yet every kid needs somebody there to serve as an emotional center. The little stuff matters just as much as being the contact person during an emergency psych eval.

I didn't know that at 24, I learned in the deepest part of  my gut that there is no replacement for the individual cell of the family inside the larger fabric of American Society, but that's what my hard to land public interest clerkship taught me.

*******

I made the most minor course correction possible to become a Stay -at -Home Mother. At age 29, I took a 6 month maternity leave instead of a 3 month leave. It didn't seem like a big change. My husband and I were moving to a new state and I was 6 months pregnant with a second child. Instead of looking for a new law job right away, I told myself that I could wait until the baby was 3 months old to search for work.

While I was home first pregnant, and then taking care of a newborn son and eighteen month old daughter, a change happened to me. My husband, Jon, was starting a new graphic design business out of our living room. After weeks of hearing me talk about how much I wanted to switch to Art Law he told me, "Why don't you stop talking about helping other people and come help me!" We became partners.

It was like that Technicolor shift in the Wizard of Oz Movie. I discovered that I really loved being a Creative. I was really good at it.

Something happened to me as a little kid and I took a left instead of taking a right turn career wise. My money making career should have been something like Hotel Management, or Event Planning. Instead, I went to Law School. 

It was confusing because I was really good a practicing Law. I guess a lot of people need Tea and Sympathy while facing major legal trauma. But the law never "fit me."

It was crazy to start at age 30 and find work that "fit." I remember having a deep work conversation with photographer while I was pushing my kid swing at a Lake Side Park. I felt so confused. This relative stranger was giving me so much respect and giving  my thoughts real weight. I realized that the whole time I was a Lawyer, I tried to hide being a mother. It was an embarrassing fact, like a sudden breastmilk leak on a Anne Taylor power suit. As a lawyer, I felt the need to constantly apologize for my motherhood. "Please think I'm smart!" "Please take me seriously, even though I've got a nine month old baby at home."

When I did work as a Creative, all my life blended easily together. I was an Artist. I wrote short stories in coffee shops. I nursed a newborn. I helped clients come up with logos for their start-ups. It was no big deal talking business while a kid needed help on the swing. In fact, that sort of added something.

Finding the right work is really important because life stopped being these fractured moments and started knitting together into something whole.

***

10 years into a year by year decision, I'm finally realizing that I was made for this. My favorite jobs in High School were being a Camp Counselor and Directing a Play. That's all this motherhood thing is for me. Other Moms like organization and craft projects. I'm like "How can the Dramatic Arts help us eat all of our peas and be brave for our annual flu shot?"

I like teaching. I like learning new things. I like creative problem solving. I like this.

I'm back home in West Virginia after leaving the State at age 18 and swearing that I'll NEVER be back. It's ironic. I went to like seven thousand leadership conferences in High School. (West Virginia had this thing they called "The Brain Brain" where the smart kids soaked up all the expensive free educational services and then left the State never to return because of the poor economy in Appalachia.) I felt stressed during these weekend career counseling session. I couldn't settle on just one career. I liked almost everything.

I joke now with Jon that "Stay-at-Home Motherhood" was never on the table at the "What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up" Career Days. Smart, talented girls weren't supposed to want to stay home. We were supposed to "Do Great Things" and "Change the World!"

I'm grateful for this chance. It might not last long. Jon might lose his job or drop dead of a sudden heart attack. We're one major medical bill away from me working for pay again. It's a fragile kind of financial peace that we've got this month, but it's a peace never the less. I'm grateful to have another week of doing the hidden work that helps heal my heart and those hearts around me.

My Heart is in the Philippines Today

Praying for all of those millions of people hurt by the typhoon in the Philippines.

On Being Real

Leo was real. Leo was a real boy. My life right now is sort of the opposite of the tale of the Velveteen Rabbit. I had a very real boy who sort of evaporated from the physical world, and it helps to keep reminding myself "He was real."

This is a real loss. There was a specific kid that was coming over to my house for dinner roughly 6570 times (18 years) and now he's not. Leo's not here. Leo's not coming. Leo had a godmother, a car seat, and a crib. 

It's hard to talk to woman at church about Leo. (Leo's All Soul's Day Candle on November 2nd put a spotlight on me six days after his funeral.) There is so much callousness. "Oh, you've got plenty of kids, why are you sad?" The callous hearts will say this to me as I have 18 month old Abigail on my hip. I so badly want to say back "Really? Have you seen this girl? Have you noticed how awesome she is? You think I can be blase about never meeting her younger brother?"

To me, it isn't like I lost a generic role of changing another baby's diapers, or breastfeeding or lost another four months sleep due to colic. That's how I feel when I talk to some of the callous women. They act like "Aren't you tired already of changing diapers?" I want to tell them, I'm not excited about this role of motherhood because I enjoy potty training. It's been 10 YEARS of dealing with infants and diapers and sippy cups and potty training. The cool thing about babies, is that they don't stay babies. They turn into delightful, awesome human beings. Babyhood is just the preview.

My son Alex is a pain to parent. His innate strong will is off the charts. It is a daily struggle to get him to walk the dog, do his schoolwork, brush his teeth, and stay chill around his sisters. Yet my only son is off the charts awesome. He has enriched my life in countless ways. We're only in the Origami Yoda, Lego, and Minecraft Stage. What is going to happen when he reaches the Electric Guitar, Skateboarding and I-Adore-Physics phase?

Leo died before Jon and I even got a chance to figure out what we lost.

Leo's hospital bill came yesterday. I opened it up and my lips made a perfect O of shock. Leo's birth costs exactly the same as his older siblings. I felt confused. How could that be? I usually get c-sections. Should the living kids be more expensive? Then I remembered "This was a real birth too."